The other day, when I was talking to my friends from upstairs at work, about better ways to deal with anger, I grabbed my well worn copy of Diffusing Anger and Avoiding Feeding the Flames by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.,and told them how it helped me. "Read it to me," they each said, and I did, paraphrasing to make it easier to understand for people with developmental disabilities, trying to put it in plain language. When one man said that some of the words were still too difficult, I promised him that I would try to write the main points in simple words for him--and me. I'm going to have a shot at it here.
- When people disagree and one is angry, saying ANYTHING will feed the anger and make it grow.
- The angry person may say things that make you mad. Now two people are mad.
- Your own anger grows as you defend yourself and try to control the other person.
- Both of you are now trying to control the other person's behaviour, feelings or views.
- When we are yelled at, or blamed, we defend or explain, trying to change the other person's mind.
- The other person threw out a hook and we bit on to it.
- Instead, one of the people needs to let go completely, and not get hooked into a fight.
- Don't walk away angry, or to punish the other person, but to take care of yourself.
- You accept that you cannot control the other person but you are getting out of the way of attack.
- Completely letting go, is loving to yourself and the other person.
- When the other person is friendly again, you can both talk with no hard feelings.
Well, I don't know if this is simple enough, but it's my attempt at a "Coles Notes" version! I'll try it out tomorrow and see if it is easier to understand for my anger support group! :)
Amplified Bible (AMP)