I woke him at 6:40am, little body snuggled into warm covers, eyes closed, breathing deep. His brother was already awake and sprung out of bed as he usually does.
I nuzzled Nicky and he stirred, awakening to his first dawn of school. A grin escaped sweet lips while heavy eyelids resisted light glowing in from the hall.
He was a champ all morning, getting dressed, enjoying his cheerios at a table full of cheer, while I filled backpacks with lunch laden sacks.
After teeth were brushed and devotions read he tromped out the door with a pack on his back that set him of balance, but he refused all offers of help.
Everyone posed on the large rock in our front yard for a first day picture and then the walk to the bus stop began. He stumbled a couple of times with the weight on him, but went courageously and boarded the bus without a backward glance.
Alicia, our bus driver smiled, and said "Enjoy your day Ang". I raised my arms in victory, feeling a great smile of relief spreading across my face.
It was only when I got back to the house and quietness set in that I allowed myself to think about the immensity of this day.
As I unloaded the dishwasher I asked the Lord "Should I go to the school and take his picture as he gets in his line up with the other kindergartens, or should I stay home and not interfere". Better judgement told me to stay home and not mix things up. But in the end, curiosity and a desire to share in the joy of the day compelled me into the van and I found my way to the school.
I could see that the bell had just rung as the grades 1/2 were lined up outside their door. And as I slowed down I could see Nicky in that line, with his big sister, Rebecca. His teacher Miss Veenstra was standing calmly beside him with her coffee in hand, chatting with another staff.
I didn't pull in then, but drove to the second entrance feeling like a spy, turned around and waited until they would have gone into the school before pulling out again. The pavement was now empty and quiet as the bustle of students had moved into the building and the doors had shut.
So I went home, praying.
"Lord help Nicky to come under the authority of his teacher, to yield, to have courage and joy in this place".
Now he's out of my hands.
I've been reading "The Power of a Praying Parent", by Stormie Omartian. I've had it on my shelf and picked it up here and there, but a few days ago, I found it in my hands again and the prayers and guidance in it set my heart where it should be concerning Nicky and all my children.
The chapter Frank and I shared this morning in the quiet dark of predawn was called "Releasing My Child into God's Hands". Hannah released Samuel to Eli, Stormie released her first born, Christopher, to God. We release Nicholas to God. He belongs to Him anyway. We are just the stewards of his life here on earth. When I think of things that way, I am released. God has not dropped the ball where Nicky is concerned. Sometimes though I have, by trying to control and direct difficult situations in my own strength and earthly wisdom. He has good plans for Nicky's life and as I trust and step back, I allow these plans to unfold, instead of being fearful and trying to control, to everyone's detriment.
Nicky had much difficulty over the past two weeks. Seizure upon seizure landed him in the hospital last Monday, the day before he was supposed to start school. He had to be restrained for bloodwork to be done and then the long exhausting wait for results.
One of his medications was too high and probably causing him some grief, so an adjustment was made. More seizures occurred each day last week, but each day less than the one before.
In the end when we finally reached his neurologist he felt that the anxiety over school was probably bringing on much of his difficulty as well. So we decided to bite the bullet and send him this week, so that he could get over the mountain of anticipation and settle into routine.
Teachers and staff were briefed on how to support him if a seizure happened and at 7:27 this morning I released him onto the bus. Then I released him again as I snuck by in my green van and hid in the parking lot.
Now as I've had a call from the school and learned that Rebecca is in the class helping him to adjust I release him.
Then as Eleanor and I speak on the phone she says "Oh, they're weaning him off Becca now. She's going to her class". I hear his screams in the background and my heart wrenches for his struggles.
Eleanor wisely says "I'm going to hang up now, because you don't need to hear this".
I hang up and fall to my knees at the couch. "Lord help Nicky yield. Give courage, peace, joy. Saturate him with your love. Strengthen Miss Veenstra and Debbie and Eleanor for this journey. Give wisdom Father".
I know he's in capable, loving hands, so I yield too.
In her book, Stormie refers to the scripture in Lamentations 2:19 that says "Pour out your heart like water before the the face of the Lord. Lift your hands toward Him for the life of your young children". And so I do.
And I am also reminded in the the devotion we read from 'A Table In The Wilderness" by Watchmen Nee.
He speaks of Joshua who was quite possibly overwhelmed at the thought of leading Israel against Jericho. The scripture in Joshua 5:13-14 says "And it came to pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted his eyes and looked, and behold, a Man stood opposite him with His sword drawn in His hand. And Joshua went to Him and said to Him, "Are You for us or for our adversaries?"
So He said," No, but as Commander of the army of the Lord I have now come".
Then Watchman Nee spoke of God's position of Captain, of Commander.
He said "We want everything to circle round us and serve our interests, but God will not have it so. He does not stand in the midst of conflict giving a little help here or there. For us the question at issue is not one of receiving help, but of accepting leadership. You do not know God if you think He can occupy a subordinate position in the battle. His place is to lead. Only then will you know what it means to have His sword drawn on your behalf ".
This struck me deeply. So often I ask God to become involved with our challenges with Nicky and I instruct Him as to how I think He should help.
Yet what soldier instructs their Commander? My position must be one of submission and waiting. He will give the instruction as I listen.
Thank You my King and my God. You alone are worthy of this position. You alone see all and know all and therefore are able to carry out all. I commit to listen and follow your instructions.