The Burden
By Belinda
The old ache surfaced recently. While walking sunny summer streets, with green leaves dancing playful and holly hocks nodding as I passed, with an incongruous mourning in my soul.
There is no sense to this guilt, and yet it lies like undigested meat in my gut, an unwelcome, yet familiar inhabitant in the deepest recesses of my being.
I weep in sorrow for a wrong not mine and seek a means of atonement, as though somehow that might make amends. But that would be impossible.
I try hard to understand, to resolve the impossible dissonance.
The heartache is like an aching tooth that reminds you constantly of its presence. I pray, I read, I seek peace, and finally a glimmer comes.
Guilt is anger turned inward on oneself. Far easier to bear it personally than to turn it on ones you love, no matter what.
And understanding that, helps...a lot.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
The old ache surfaced recently. While walking sunny summer streets, with green leaves dancing playful and holly hocks nodding as I passed, with an incongruous mourning in my soul.
There is no sense to this guilt, and yet it lies like undigested meat in my gut, an unwelcome, yet familiar inhabitant in the deepest recesses of my being.
I weep in sorrow for a wrong not mine and seek a means of atonement, as though somehow that might make amends. But that would be impossible.
I try hard to understand, to resolve the impossible dissonance.
The heartache is like an aching tooth that reminds you constantly of its presence. I pray, I read, I seek peace, and finally a glimmer comes.
Guilt is anger turned inward on oneself. Far easier to bear it personally than to turn it on ones you love, no matter what.
And understanding that, helps...a lot.
Ephesians 3:20-21
New International Version (NIV)
Comments
I have done some reading that has helped me know that I'm not alone in feeling as I do under the circumstances. That helped, but more than that, suddenly realizing "why" brought much healing. I am now thanking God for the circumstance although I would never wish it to have been so, but I believe God will use my experience to help others at some point. I love that the havoc that the enemy wrought in lives, can be picked up by God and even used as an instrument of healing.
Been down this road - it is tough. No doubt the passing of your mom into glory, being an emotional time, has stirred up many things. Keep things in perspective - and keep putting them back into God's hands.
Your walk has brought me much to think about.
I appreciate the caring hearts that seek to bring perspective and God is bringing healing and peace.