A Journal of Hope

We sat together talking about "us" and the times in the past when our marriage felt like it was over. It's been almost 39 years so there have been a few times of heartache that felt hopeless. Neither one of us has been a model spouse. Is there such a thing?

My journal contains scattered puddles of pain that poured out and splashed onto the pages when I felt that I had nowhere else to go with it.Many times I have been tempted to tear those pages out. I haven't though, because an edited life seems to me to be to be a flat and pallid life. For better or worse, it is my life

One thing I worried about though, was Paul reading those pages if I died first. I did care about that and how hurt he might feel. But this week I read some of them to him.

It was such an intimacy, to look back at how I railed against him; how we hurt each other, and to realize that we are here now, still together and loving one another deeply and tenderly and with all of our hearts.

I thought it might give others hope to read this two part poem that I wrote. The verses were written 4 years apart.

1979
We kill our love in little ways
In little, insignificant seeming stages
Walls
Built slowly; but oh, so surely
Block by block...

Familiarity, it seems, really can
Breed contempt
And indifference--coldness
Things we once shared
Are now put aside...
Like forgotten toys

1983
We build our love in little ways
In little, insignificant seeming stages
Trust
Built slowly; but oh, so surely
Step by step

Familiarity can also bring with it content
And intimacy, closeness
Things we can share
God will provide
And new found joys!

Comments

Joyful Fox said…
Belinda,

Thanks for sharing!

I like what you say about an edited life being flat and pallid. "For better or worse, it is my life."

It's important to live authentic lives. Jesus said, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." I think at times, there's temptation to edit our lives so we don't hurt others. However, sometimes we do it in denial or for selfish reasons.

Hearing your story and being able to share your intimacy and the truth of where you're at now and it has been 39 years does give hope!

Thanks for your courage and honesty, it blesses!
7:20 AM
Dave Hingsburger said…
What a tremendously honest post about the ebb and flow of relationships. We are nearing 39 ourselves and the years have brought celebration and strife, joy and tears, anger and peace. To edit a relationship is to take away the sheer wonder of the accomplishment.
11:04 AM
Anonymous said…
It is hard to see beyond the boundaries of the present desperate moment, when we are in it. It helps to have the 'sight' of others, but the l-o-n-g view is increasingly difficult to find these days. Thanks for your generosity in sharing yourself.
5:37 PM
Belinda said…
Oh Marilyn; thank you! I celebrated my 58th birthday today. Yes, the l-o-n-g view is sadly harder to find as you said, even within the Christian community. There are so many reasons. A book could be written...
9:42 PM
Belinda said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
9:42 PM
Anonymous said…
Happy Birthday, Belinda!
(Not that I believe you on the number, but that doesn't matter so much as long as you are part of the FCC. :))
Beautiful poems. :)
I wish I had been as wise as you. I have "edited" parts of my life - destroyed music, poems, etc. that I decided weren't "good enough". I feel a tad sorry now. Sad and painful things are part of life, you're right. And I don't want to pretend to be "perfect" and that I'm happy all the time. That's silly anyway! :)
Love, Night Owl
8:25 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Voyage

Image
Note from Belinda: I read this prayer yesterday and again today--and then I read it to Susan after cell group, when we were having our "second cup" of decaff coffee together. I knew that she'd love it. She has a framed picture on her office wall of a little blond haired girl in a sail boat on a stormy sea. A fatherly sailor,with a weather beaten face; in a gray sou'wester, holds her close, as he capably mans the tiller. This prayer reminds me of that picture and influenced what I wrote earlier today, when I used the metaphor of ebbing waves to describe a lack of consistency and my desire to crash over the sandbar into the peaceful pool on the other side.  ( Susan sent me a link to the painting, which was done by American impressionist Robert Reid in 1888.  It hangs in the Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art in NYC.) Be bless ed by the beauty of this prayer. OH LORD OF THE OCEANS, My little bark sails on a restless sea, Grant that Jesus may sit at the
Read more

Ere Zij God--Glory to God in the Highest! A Dutch Carol

Image
By Belinda This beautiful Dutch carol was shared today by a friend of Dutch ancestry, on Facebook. I had never heard it before but absolutely loved it. It moved me deeply, especially at the end after the crowd leaves the church and then breaks into spontaneous singing again around a brazier, with the sound of chiming church bells in the background. Listen to it with headphones or a good speaker to get the full effect of the harmonies. And happy first Sunday in Advent!
Read more

Samson Beaver and his Family

Image
I first posted this in 2009, a little show and tell about one of my favourite photographs. Back then it hung on a wall, but now it's in my bathroom where I see it every morning! I'd forgotten the history behind the story, researched when I first posted this and thought that current readers might enjoy it--a story from a time when this land was still being discovered, not so very long ago. This photograph was taken by Mary Schaffer; artist, photographer, writer and naturalist, in 1907. It is of a Stoney Indian named Samson Beaver, with his wife Leah and daughter, Frances Louise. I bought the photo on a postcard, on a trip to British Columbia and it hangs framed, on the wall I face when sitting at my laptop. I love it. Don't you just feel as if you could gather Frances Louise up in your arms and cuddle her? I get a deep sense of peace and happiness when I look at this family, sitting in the grass of a long ago fall. They are dressed in their best, beautiful c
Read more