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Can't Do It!

It seemed like a good idea to share them when I found Mum's letters, but I had forgotten the sadness of that time.

Tonight I dug out my journal for those months in 2002. My trip to England in October was both painful and healing. I was reading Philip Yancey's book, What is So Amazing About Grace? during my weeks there, and it helped set me free from anger and unforgiveness. I will be forever grateful for that.

I don't think I can write about the back story to all of that as it is so very personal and hard to expose; it doesn't feel right. Maybe I will find a way sometime in the future to put it into words in a way that will add value to whomever reads it, but at this point I think it would just be depressing and I don't want to do that to people! I would rather that  you came here and got cheered up.

But I do want to share what Mum wrote on her 76th birthday, on December 15th, 2002, because in it she wrote about my friend Susan, who you all know. Mum had met her during her own visits to Canada and she loved her. Here is what she wrote:

Hi! I've missed a few days here and there, but that's not important. I enjoyed my birthday very much! I have enjoyed all my phone calls so much. Susan's call was such a lovely surprise. She's just priceless. :) I felt so close to her and all of you and all of our lovely friends. Susan is special though and I don't mind to lend my stick to her anytime :)  (Susan had hurt her ankle while Mum was in Canada once, and Mum had loaned her, her walking stick!) I hope she won't need it though! Deborah phoned as well as Auntie Corry, Adrie, Lijda, Mies and Uncle Jan and Dicky. And of course your lovely call, and Susan's. I felt so spoilt. :) I suppose you have to feel that way on your birthday....
I am glad at least, that Mum has been shared in a way that was different from the past few years, in which she herself was unable to say much verbally, and was yet was still a joy to be with and spoke in other ways to the world.

Stay tuned for whatever comes next! :)


Anonymous said…
I completely understand your position. I wouldn't say "I know how you feel" - because no one does. Yet - I sympathize with your reluctance to go down the path of pain.

Around the death of my father were many negatives - most of them were of a spiritual nature. A lot of hurt. A lot of resentment. Loss was magnified by the anger. In pouring out my heart to my Heavenly Father telling Him of all my love for my dad not returned, even rejected and his death without closure - I heard Him say: "If you love him as much as you say - you need to forgive him." Clear as day. (I wish I heard from God like this all the time!!!) Problem: I couldn't. I couldn't forgive him - I struggled, studied, prayed - cried, cried, and cried some more. It took over 5 years before I could honestly say that I forgave my father. I wish I could say I jumped in obedience - oh how I should have. The path is different for us all - just like mourning itself. I wish you peace.
Belinda said…
Thank you for sharing your own journey of forgiveness Anonymous. When I began to join all of the dots of that period in my life, even talking to Rob yesterday, and discovering more of the terrible self destructiveness and pain in our family circle at that time, not just Dad, I had to ask myself what redemption there would be in sharing it now, when some of the people affected are living and so close to it yet. It didn't feel respectful or right. But it was good for me personally to go there again and realize how much of our past we block out and forget as we go on with life. That's not a bad thing either! :) Hugs and much love! Belinda
Marilyn Yocum said…
"I don't think I can write about the back story to all of that as it is so very personal and hard to expose; it doesn't feel right. Maybe I will find a way sometime in the future to put it into words in a way that will add value to whomever reads it, but at this point I think it would just be depressing and I don't want to do that to people!"

Timing is so important. I'm saving this quote for use in future "Writing about Personal Experience" workshops! It's super! Thanks!
Belinda said…
Oh, Marilyn, in church this morning (of all places) when I should have been thinking about the sermon, I suddenly thought, "'Whomever?' Shouldn't that have been 'whoever?'" :)I don't know! If I got it wrong, feel free to correct! Ha ha.

Thank you for the honour of using any words I wrote. Hugs!
I believe that the most important skill that a blogger of a non-fiction, personal, blog can have is a clear understanding of boundaries, the ability to listen to one's 'guts' and know when to pull back ... and that's really true here because while you have these letter's the words belong to your mother and therefore extra caution and extra thought is necessary.
Belinda said…
Dear Dave, Thank you for the added words of wisdom, which I take to heart. It is far better to err on the side of caution, when in doubt, than to regret later what cannot be undone. Hugs to you, too, another of my writing mentors.

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