Whatever He Says

It seemed like a good idea to share them when I found Mum's letters, but I had forgotten the sadness of that time. Tonight I dug out my journal for those months in 2002. My trip to England in October was both painful and healing. I was reading Philip Yancey's book,  What is So Amazing About Grace?  during my weeks there, and it helped set me free from anger and unforgiveness. I will be forever grateful for that. I don't think I can write about the back story to all of that as it is so very personal and hard to expose; it doesn't feel right. Maybe I will find a way sometime in the future to put it into words in a way that will add value to whomever reads it, but at this point I think it would just be depressing and I don't want to do that to people! I would rather that  you came here and got cheered up. But I do want to share what Mum wrote on her 76th birthday, on December 15th, 2002, because in it she wrote about my friend Susan, who you all know. Mum had met...

Just a few lines to say that I read further in Mum's letters tonight and am trying to decide how to share them.  Since Dad died in late January of 2003, the months that I have to share are his last days, and they were difficult ones, even though Mum continued to write about the everyday things and mentioned only hints at the background against which they unfolded. I noticed that she suddenly began to simply start her writing with the day of the week as a heading and no date. I dated them with the help of an online calendar, but it is indicative of the stress that she was under without writing about it. How I wish I could go back to those months and be with her in them, but I can't, and couldn't then, but in her late seventies, and in frail health herself, she carried a heavy load. I will continue if I can think of how to do this well, in a way that honours them both. Maybe I will share snippets of the journey--we'll see! Thank you for caring to read here. Bel...

19th November 2002 My dearest Belinda and Paul and all our lovely family! Well, the first letter is on the way! I went to the dentist yesterday and he made an impression of my bottom teeth. Well, my gums really. It's more difficult as I have hardly any ridge there. He made a good job of my last set. I have to go back next Monday. Then this morning I had my hair washed and set. I just had another look at the photos, as Rob brought them back home. They are so lovely! Rob left them with Joan (from Charlie) to look at, as she's on the photos as well. He had to look at her pilot light on the way home. Timmy was here yesterday and had some dinner here. It's always so lovely to see him. He brought a packet with 4 scones, one each! I said, I do have to watch my waistline though, out of a joke. So he looked at me and said, "Omie you are just right!" :) Not fat, in other words. What a compliment! They say children speak the truth. :)  We had such a laugh when watch...

17th November 2002 Hi! Well, we did have a talk earlier on and it was lovely to hear your voice again. I hope you had a good time at church and at home the rest of the day. It has gone a lot cooler tonight. I went up and put my blanket on number 3, as number 2 is more for normal weather. :) Dad's gone to bed.  Robert was so very happy after he'd spoken to you! He should have a proper phone and I will tell him, it's time to have his own phone! He can still use his mobile, but it's nice to be able to talk to him on a normal phone. It's so much cheaper too! The mobile is lovely too, as I can reach him where ever he is. But when he's home, it's nice to call him there. And it would be nice for John and Timmy too. I just wish I could give them both that 100% comfort and security they both need! I love to see them both and we do everything possible to give them that! I keep praying, as that's the only way, I feel. Darlings, it's not much news today, but...

15th November, 2002 Hi! I was going to the coffee  morning but changed my mind. I couldn't sleep last night and I feel worn out. I think it was about 3 o'clock when I dozed off. I couldn't get warm somehow. I put another blanket on my bed. I thought it might have been a slight chill, as I shivered and coughed a lot. I feel warm now though. I even thought about getting up for a bit, but changed my mind. I'll be going shopping later, which is quite a job as well. The time goes so quick somehow. I made a sauce yesterday for the macaroni today. Dad's just come back with his newspaper. We didn't need a loaf.  I cleaned the stove yesterday. The kettles need an extra go yet, as they didn't look right after my cleaning. I kept getting cramp in my fingers. :)  Still, I'll have another go one day. Sammy had a fight yesterday and he looked terrible when he came in. He's alright though, and fast asleep beside me.  Timmy (Rob's youngest son)  was ...

Susan sent me an email saying that she is loving reading Mum's letters with me. I had wondered if this was a wacky idea to the rest of the world but Susan's email was encouraging! Mum's letters cover her day to day life in its simplicity, but she shines through.  For me, typing out her words and sharing them here, is a far more intimate process than simple reading her letters. Through her words, her personality comes to life vividly. This morning I caught myself thinking of this year of letters, that ended with her stroke, as the last year of her life. "This" Mum didn't die with her stroke of course, but she was lost to us to a significant degree. The  just over eight years that she lived after that were years of a different version of Mum; just as precious to us and loved both for who she had been and who she was. Rob expresses the loss we experienced when he finds her notes on the backs of photos and says that he wants to remember Mum as she was when she...

November 11, 2002 Well, I didn't make that (dental) impression after all. I read the date wrong. :) It said the 18/11/02 and I looked at the 11th. :) But it was no problem as I had to go to the post office anyway for our pensions. Dad went to get his paper, cigarettes and our loaf... Robert went to the court today, as they thought he had been overpaying his solicitors etc. Something like that. He went at 3 o'clock and it was very much to his advantage. He'll have a nice sum back, so it was well worth it. I just called Sammy as it had started to rain again. Dad moaned about it, but that is normal. :) Rob came home at 5.30 and had his dinner. It was just bacon sandwiches, baked beans and eggs. We just looked at the terrible weather elsewhere. We're very sheltered here. We did have a bit of rain here but we did have a lovely sunny afternoon as well. :)  After I'd been to the village this morning I made our brunch. But I wasn't able to do the bedroom...

November 10, 2002 My dearest Belinda, Paul and all my lovely Darlings, Well, here I am and I'll start making those notes! :) When on the phone, I so often forget odds and ends. Never mind, I can write those bits.  I phoned Auntie Corry and she said, she felt a lot better now. She has decided not to have anymore operations. She said, she likes to enjoy feeling better. Praying is far better than operations. I gave her your love and she sends all her love to you all!  Then I phoned Auntie Adrie and it was such a lovely call. She was so pleased to hear from me and she hasn't phoned me lately as she thought you were still here and she wanted me to enjoy your stay without interruptions. She felt so good in herself and didn't have that feeling of loneliness anymore. She enjoyed her own company and felt very good. It was lovely to hear this. It's a new era for her, so that was wonderful to hear. She sends all her love as well to you all! I just called Rob and told him...

By Belinda I meant to go upstairs and continue tidying for an hour this evening after supper, but I picked up the two binders of letters that I so carefully sorted last winter--and I opened them. Immediately I was lost, in page after page of letters written at different times in our lives; some by people long gone. On the page their voices came alive. There were letters from my dad; articulate and funny, and sometimes, if he wrote them after a trip to the pub, pouring out inner pain, but telling me not to quote scripture when I wrote back. In front of one binder I have typed out a quote, which I unfortunately cannot find the author of: There are many kinds of letters, including the obligatory and those you can't wait to sit down and write. In letters you explore the landscape of your soul and reveal it to a friend. Relating external events is fine and dandy, but is merely the ever-changing framework for another work of art being patiently compl...

Inspired by my daughter-in-law Sue, who was here painting for us on the weekend, I spent time up in our loft room this evening, sorting through the mass of boxes, cards, letters and general mayhem that lurks up there in the dark. Sue is so focused. She works hard and gets a job finished. Oh, how I admire people like that. I dilly and dally, and stop along the way to read things. I have been sorting up there for several months now. I wouldn't want you to think I haven't, but really, I feel that I should have a lot more to show for the time I've spent up there. Sue is coming back next weekend to paint another room, which means I need to empty it of a lot of stuff. There is no putting it off. And some of it will be going upstairs, which means there has to be room up there. So, buoyed by Sue's example, I took myself off to the loft this evening. A leopard doesn't change its spots, so I think I read every piece of paper that passed through my hands, but I finished carefu...