Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Burden

By Belinda

The old ache surfaced recently. While walking sunny summer streets, with green leaves dancing playful and holly hocks nodding as I passed, with an incongruous mourning in my soul.

There is no sense to this guilt, and yet it lies like undigested meat in my gut, an unwelcome, yet familiar inhabitant in the deepest recesses of my being.

I weep in sorrow for a wrong not mine and seek a means of atonement, as though somehow that might make amends. But that would be impossible.

I try hard to understand, to resolve the impossible dissonance. 

The heartache is like an aching tooth that reminds you constantly of its presence. I pray, I read, I seek peace, and finally a glimmer comes. 

Guilt is anger turned inward on oneself. Far easier to bear it personally than to turn it on ones you love, no matter what. 
  And understanding that, helps...a lot.

Ephesians 3:20-21

New International Version (NIV)
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know my sins are forgiven. I know that guilt can be sin. (A tool of Satan.) Yes - I know - but I certainly can relate to that tug at the heart which rips open the old wounds - and how guilt can whelm up. You feel it physically and emotionally and spiritually. I hope that the issue can be put back into God's Hands, the only righteous Judge - and the One so full of grace and forgiveness - and left there. We've been redeemed by the blood of the lamb. Blessings.

Dave Hingsburger said...

Belinda, in the last few days I have felt the light touch of your prayers on my soul. Feel mine now.

Belinda said...

Dear Anonymous, Thank you for your kind encouragement and truths shared. The stain is in the generations and that is what has been hard to bear--it isn't even something I have done, but a shame I feel nevertheless. Realizing last night a little of why that is,was so helpful.

Belinda said...

Dave, thank you so much for your prayers. I am about to write an important speech related to the source of my pain, and I think it has brought it to the forefront although I'm honoured to help with the speech.

I have done some reading that has helped me know that I'm not alone in feeling as I do under the circumstances. That helped, but more than that, suddenly realizing "why" brought much healing. I am now thanking God for the circumstance although I would never wish it to have been so, but I believe God will use my experience to help others at some point. I love that the havoc that the enemy wrought in lives, can be picked up by God and even used as an instrument of healing.

Susan said...

Amen and amen and amen to your comment - and to your post. God is SO good... Even when it doesn't seem so, his story is being written in our lives and through the generation. From everlasting to everlasting, he is God... (((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

Remember when the Jewish leaders sought to have Christ crucified. They were willing to take on a generational curse to "get rid of" this thorn in their flesh. Yet Christ forgave them, even from the cross - "forgive them, they know not what they do" and the apostle claimed "there is no condemnation". Once recognized, stated and asked forgiveness for - even just the doubt the remembrance of the sin may bring - then you are free. Any further remembrance must be cast out - as the sin is remembered by God no more. You no long need the prick of conscience - you have confessed and been forgiven. (Not saying it was YOUR thing - but still it is causing YOU pain.) You can claim the renewing of your mind. Every time the thought comes - give thanks for the forgivenss. Turn the sin of the past into the praise of the present.

Been down this road - it is tough. No doubt the passing of your mom into glory, being an emotional time, has stirred up many things. Keep things in perspective - and keep putting them back into God's hands.

Your walk has brought me much to think about.

Belinda said...

Friends, I know that I have to write more explicitly at some point about my struggle.Strangely, it was reading about the "survivor guilt" of holocaust survivors that helped me understand my own inner mourning.Even though quite different circumstances, there were threads of similarity.

I appreciate the caring hearts that seek to bring perspective and God is bringing healing and peace.