Sunday, May 10, 2009
I am a mother.
I sometimes wound as well as heal.
I unintentionally sometimes inflict guilt--and knowingly, as well as unwittingly, cross boundaries.
I have the terrifying power to crush a heart with a look or a word.
There are days when I feel more like a toxic waste dump of generational junk than the ideal woman of Proverbs 31.
Motherhood humbles me. I find myself doing and saying things I was sure I would never do or say.
I regret, repent and cannot forgive myself for some mistakes.
Motherhood drives me to my knees before God.
It fills my heart with a love that is a physical ache sometimes.
I am overwhelmed at knowing that I would be capable of terrible things if anyone threatened my children. The violence of that instinct shocks me.
Motherhood pulls out of me my best and sometimes my worst.
And sometimes I wonder how God could entrust children to such blundering hands. But he does, and somehow they survive.
And wonder of wonders, they find it in their hearts to love, and forgive, and even demonstrate honour, on days like today.