Saturday, May 31, 2008

A Journal of Hope

We sat together talking about "us" and the times in the past when our marriage felt like it was over. It's been almost 39 years so there have been a few times of heartache that felt hopeless. Neither one of us has been a model spouse. Is there such a thing?

My journal contains scattered puddles of pain that poured out and splashed onto the pages when I felt that I had nowhere else to go with it.Many times I have been tempted to tear those pages out. I haven't though, because an edited life seems to me to be to be a flat and pallid life. For better or worse, it is my life

One thing I worried about though, was Paul reading those pages if I died first. I did care about that and how hurt he might feel. But this week I read some of them to him.

It was such an intimacy, to look back at how I railed against him; how we hurt each other, and to realize that we are here now, still together and loving one another deeply and tenderly and with all of our hearts.

I thought it might give others hope to read this two part poem that I wrote. The verses were written 4 years apart.

1979
We kill our love in little ways
In little, insignificant seeming stages
Walls
Built slowly; but oh, so surely
Block by block...

Familiarity, it seems, really can
Breed contempt
And indifference--coldness
Things we once shared
Are now put aside...
Like forgotten toys

1983
We build our love in little ways
In little, insignificant seeming stages
Trust
Built slowly; but oh, so surely
Step by step

Familiarity can also bring with it content
And intimacy, closeness
Things we can share
God will provide
And new found joys!

6 comments:

Joyful Fox said...

Belinda,

Thanks for sharing!

I like what you say about an edited life being flat and pallid. "For better or worse, it is my life."

It's important to live authentic lives. Jesus said, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." I think at times, there's temptation to edit our lives so we don't hurt others. However, sometimes we do it in denial or for selfish reasons.

Hearing your story and being able to share your intimacy and the truth of where you're at now and it has been 39 years does give hope!

Thanks for your courage and honesty, it blesses!

Dave Hingsburger said...

What a tremendously honest post about the ebb and flow of relationships. We are nearing 39 ourselves and the years have brought celebration and strife, joy and tears, anger and peace. To edit a relationship is to take away the sheer wonder of the accomplishment.

Marilyn from OH who does not believe Belinda is old enough to be married 39 years said...

It is hard to see beyond the boundaries of the present desperate moment, when we are in it. It helps to have the 'sight' of others, but the l-o-n-g view is increasingly difficult to find these days. Thanks for your generosity in sharing yourself.

Belinda said...

Oh Marilyn; thank you! I celebrated my 58th birthday today. Yes, the l-o-n-g view is sadly harder to find as you said, even within the Christian community. There are so many reasons. A book could be written...

Belinda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Night Owl said...

Happy Birthday, Belinda!
(Not that I believe you on the number, but that doesn't matter so much as long as you are part of the FCC. :))
Beautiful poems. :)
I wish I had been as wise as you. I have "edited" parts of my life - destroyed music, poems, etc. that I decided weren't "good enough". I feel a tad sorry now. Sad and painful things are part of life, you're right. And I don't want to pretend to be "perfect" and that I'm happy all the time. That's silly anyway! :)
Love, Night Owl