Sunday, July 17, 2011

God's Chisel

By Belinda

On Friday I promised to explain what's been going on in my life. I'm going to try! There is too much for one blog post, so this is part 1.

Over the past 4 months it feels as though I have had a lifetime of inner crises. Each time there has been something that needed working on-- painfully--and in great  insecurity. It has felt like a crash course in correction and healing.

It began with my realizing sometime in March that I had failed spectacularly in an aspect of leadership at work. I won't go into it all again because I wrote about it as I went through it but I learned humbling lessons and determined with all my heart to make amends. I've been working on that, with God's grace and that of the people I lead.

Then, because I was under  pressure at work--putting in longer hours than usual during an emotionally intense period, I lacked time for intimacy with God. By June, I doubted that what I was writing had worth and had a confidence melt down at a writers conference. God patiently and powerfully spoke through friends and events and  reminded me that my job is to be faithful to write what he gives me and just trust him. Crisis # 2 weathered!

In late June I took a workshop on leadership styles and was discontent with who I am: a leader with the ability to calm people down; smooth the path; support others; model respect for authority etc. It all sounds like Molson's personality come to think about it--and I love him--but I wasn't seeing it that way at the time.

God gave me a group of feisty colts to lead. Their styles cause them to act on the environment to change it, while my style adjusts to the environment. How could I be their leader?

I ruminated on this far too much; to the point that I actually considered asking my boss if he shouldn't consider trading me in for a better model, or asking for a refund.

Then God gave me a gift--a chat with two precious young women whom I led over 10 years ago and who came to our Writers Nest meeting last week. Both are writers--too busy at their phase in life to write much--but they came because it was Bonnie's farewell party.

As they were leaving and we were catching up on our current lives, I half jokingly told them about the test of leadership styles and the dismay I had experienced over my outcome. Both of them looked at me with eyes wide with disbelief. Ellen, who always struck me as a racehorse when on my team, said, "Belinda, you believed we could do things we didn't know we could do, but because you believed we could, we did them." Ang too, affirmed that there was no doubt that who God made me was a gift to her at the time she served with me. I was beginning to realize that my discontent was nothing but a sinful coveting of other's strengths.

As I walked with them into the dark summer night, we asked ourselves why we listen to the one whose modus operendi is lies and whose motive is discouragement!

I have finally realized that yes, I am surrounded by strong leaders--and I am with them for a reason. They have enough "acting upon the environment skills" for all of us, but sometimes they need a sanity committee; a listening ear; a voice of reason; a quiet port in the chaotic storm. I am that. I have strength of leadership--it just shows up in a gentle guise.

Phew! Crisis #3 over.

I found this skit that says exactly what I have learned through all of this. Tune in for the final (for now :) )beautiful chapter tomorrow!


Marian said...

Thanks Belinda, that's one powerful skit.

By the way, I always think of you as the lady shining with the gentle love of Jesus.

Belinda said...

Thank you Marian! The bottom line is that he made us all so fitted for a unique purpose. Fighting who we are is counterproductive; also insulting to God's workmanship. I feel as though I have finally got it! (Hope I keep it. :))

Marilyn said...

I was truly ministered to by your post and the skit. I rejoice (with you!) in the "crises" that brought you to a place of writing it and am grateful for the leadership you show in sharing it. God is all over it.

Belinda said...

Glory be to God Marilyn. Only he could accomplish all that has been done in me of late. I am grateful for every chip of the chisel. :)

Anonymous said...

You are exactly what I need and your leadership is so purposed by God that you inspire us to be greater:) I am just checking in, haven't read your blog for sometime. It was refreshing to get back to read some of the posts.

Libby (you know who :) )