Sometimes there's not enough of me to go around. As I survey my life and the things that are filling up those empty spaces I treasure, it makes me gasp for breath or sigh in resignation as another chunk of time is eaten up by the monster of busyness.
I said to Frank, that as another task is added to the pile, I feel the energy for something else ebbing, where before there was passion.
I think it's called exhaustion, but this too can pass with a bit of sleep, okay, a lot of sleep, some exercise and lots of time doing what Mary did best...sitting at the feet of Jesus.
I know that's what's been missing. I have been grabbing a snack here and there and really do love my Lord, but I've been letting the tyranny of the urgent take hold. I've also been slacking off and excusing myself from investing in my relationship with God.
So...no deposit, no withdrawal right...?
Wrong! The more I get to know God, the more I realize that He doesn't operate that way.
He's waiting, calling, watching and ready to pour in as soon as I wise up and position myself at his feet instead of running headlong to somewhere, or just refusing to take the time.
What is it, after 26 years of living the Christian life, that still gets me into this position.
The only thing I can think is self sufficiency, which if you take it apart is a lie.
"Self" is not sufficient. It is finite and I need the infinite to be able to keep going, to have breath and vision and hope. Those qualities and elements are not conjured up by my 'self', but breathed into me by the Almighty, by the One who gave me life.
Only He is sufficient and so once again I kneel and submit myself, joyfully, with a contrite heart at my stupidity for trying to sustain myself.
What a foolish concept when you think about it. HaHa, it's even laughable. Yet the One who sustains is there...here to restore and renew.
Thank you...for Your grace, for Your patience with Your child, for Your wisdom, and for the all sufficiency that You are. Forgive me for trying on my own again. Thank You for letting me hit a wall and to find my deep need of You again.
I love You.