Monday, November 24, 2008

"Self" Sufficiency

Sometimes there's not enough of me to go around. As I survey my life and the things that are filling up those empty spaces I treasure, it makes me gasp for breath or sigh in resignation as another chunk of time is eaten up by the monster of busyness.

I said to Frank, that as another task is added to the pile, I feel the energy for something else ebbing, where before there was passion.

I think it's called exhaustion, but this too can pass with a bit of sleep, okay, a lot of sleep, some exercise and lots of time doing what Mary did best...sitting at the feet of Jesus.

I know that's what's been missing. I have been grabbing a snack here and there and really do love my Lord, but I've been letting the tyranny of the urgent take hold. I've also been slacking off and excusing myself from investing in my relationship with God. deposit, no withdrawal right...?

Wrong! The more I get to know God, the more I realize that He doesn't operate that way.

He's waiting, calling, watching and ready to pour in as soon as I wise up and position myself at his feet instead of running headlong to somewhere, or just refusing to take the time.

What is it, after 26 years of living the Christian life, that still gets me into this position.

The only thing I can think is self sufficiency, which if you take it apart is a lie.

"Self" is not sufficient. It is finite and I need the infinite to be able to keep going, to have breath and vision and hope. Those qualities and elements are not conjured up by my 'self', but breathed into me by the Almighty, by the One who gave me life.
Only He is sufficient and so once again I kneel and submit myself, joyfully, with a contrite heart at my stupidity for trying to sustain myself.

What a foolish concept when you think about it. HaHa, it's even laughable. Yet the One who sustains is to restore and renew.

Loving Father,
Thank you...for Your grace, for Your patience with Your child, for Your wisdom, and for the all sufficiency that You are. Forgive me for trying on my own again. Thank You for letting me hit a wall and to find my deep need of You again.
I love You.


Anonymous said...

AMEN! And Amen, Amen, AMen! You coulda stolen the words out of my mouth. I am THE biggest self-sufficient person around.
Thanks for speaking this,


Joyful Fox said...

God is patient when we stumble around first on our own but oh the blessing when we find Him. I am another one who struggles with going it on my own first. We're learning though and He is so faithful.

Susan said...

We think we're the only ones, but we're all in the same boat,aren't we? And I'm getting out of mine today, too.

Here comes Jesus; see him walkin' on the water!

Night Owl said...

How coincidental that Belinda and I were just talking about this.
I think probably the societal/cultural expectation is one of self-sufficiency...

Night Owl said...

...or maybe not coincidental - maybe it's just that all people are struggling with this whether they know it or not. And we are probably better off for at least knowing why we feel this way, I guess...
P.S. Lack of sleep also seems to be universal (at least in America). I actually have a friend who refuses to work past a certain hour and forces herself to go to sleep. I think she's actually better off not fully finishing the homework and fully absorbing everything said in class the next day...
All these awful expectations that no one can really live up to. :(

Belinda said...

I add my voice to everyone else's in saying, "Yes."

We are so bent towards independence, which has a root of pride, I think. We need God and we need one another so much. When we relax into that realization we have attained wisdom.