Lana-Joy sent an email to some friends and family and when it was passed on to me, I wrote and asked her if I could publish it because there is so much in what she says, that would help others. She said that if so, I could gladly publish it. So here it is:
I decided to send out one last email to everyone to share how and what Jonathan and I are doing and let you know where we are going from here. From here on in I will no longer be sending out group emails to everyone unless something unusual happens.
Since Jeff passed away Jonathan and my lives have changed forever. It is hard to wrap my head around what has happened and equally hard to absorb it all. When asked, "How are you?" it is not easy to quickly respond. Some images come to mind in attempting to answer this question.
The first image is that of a big heavy bucket of sadness. I received this bucket when Jeff died and many of you have received a bucket of sadness too. The only way to lighten the weight of my bucket is to cry it empty. Usually, I'm fine when talking to people but if I do start to cry please don't feel bad. You are giving me a gift by helping me empty my bucket of sadness.
Unless I indicate otherwise please don't hug me. I don't need to be hugged every time I'm sad, I just need to be given the freedom to feel sad and cry when I need to.
The other image that comes to mind about how I'm feeling is the picture of running waist deep in water. You move forward, something is happening but it feels funny, off balance, more effort than usual and not quite right.
Many people are wondering about Jonathan, how he is feeling and what he understands. I've explained to Jonathan that his Daddy has died,that he is gone to heaven and he won't come home again. Jonathan uses all these words but I do not believe he understands what they mean. Jonathan does not ask for his Daddy but he still prays for him at nightwhen he goes to sleep. He says, "Thank you God for Mommy, Daddy, Elmer, Jane etc." I do not comment on his prayers but just tell him I love him.
Jonathan has been more concerned about me lately wanting to know where I am and he often asks ,"Is Mommy sad?"
I tell him I am sad but that I still love him. I ask him if he is sad sometimes and he says, "Yes."
In all that has happened I can see things to be thankful for. Jonathan and I are very blessed to have 2 supportive families who are keeping a close eye on us and helping in many ways. Thank you so much!
I appreciate how our families helped out immediately the week Jeff died and that they are also looking to the future with me and helping sort out what is ahead too. I am also so thankful that Jeff and I had our affairs in order. If you don't have a will, life insurance or specific plans to care for your family get going! Don't be foolish or selfishly afraid of your own mortality but be sure to look after the people you love.
So where are we going from here? I need a little time to catch my breath and get some rest. It will be hard to find a new routine for Jonathan and I. Things will be different, we have no choice in that. Each day that passes takes us a little farther away from Jeff but that is the way of life as much as I wish I could choose otherwise.
Don't take life for granted, we will all be following close on Jeff's heels; what you do does matter.
All my love LanaJoy