Monday, July 13, 2009

A Family Grows


At the Festival of Britain in 1951


Belinda at about 6 months old--1950


Mum and Dad started out their life together, apart. Dad was stationed at the Guards Barracks in Caterham, near Croydon, Surrey. Mum continued to work at Farnborough Hospital in Kent and then boarded in a cottage in the small village of Woldingham in Surrey, while waiting for rooms in married quarters to open up.

Although they were married in November 1948 and had gone together to on a trip to Holland so that he could meet Mum's family, they were still living separately when I was born on at midnight between May 31st and June 1st 1950. I wrote the dramatic story of that night in a post entitled Birth Story

Mum was alone at the cottage when she went into labour, and she gave birth alone at the hospital in Redhill, Surrey as Dad did not know she had gone to the hospital. Sometime between June 1st 1950 and February 1952 when Dad left the regiment, though, Mum and I moved into the barracks.

I have memories of Caterham barracks: the sound of the reveille; the bugle call, in the morning, and the bellicose voice of the sergeant major, harshly calling commands to the troops on the parade ground. And the barracks in the photograph on the link above, feel so familiar to me. I have one more memory from that time, of a cook in a tent. I was only 21 months old when Dad was discharged from the army in February 1952.

Dad's commanding officer noted that his military conduct was "exemplary," and his assessment of his character was : A thoroughly conscientious and hardworking man, who has done consistently well throughout his service. Clean, honest, and sober.

Dad left the army with painful shrapnel wounds in his legs and his hearing was damaged by the sound of blasts and gunfire. He also took with him certain habits. The polishing of shoes was an art. With brush and cloth in hand and a can of polish he would bring a leather shoe to a brilliant shine. Spit was an essential part of perfecting the glossy luster. In fact, someone recently told me that when their son joined the army he went to Dad (he would have been in his 70's then) to learn how to polish a shoe properly. Dad told the young recruit that the polish had to be Cherry Blossom--no other would do, and I can imagine him showing him how to take care with the details--the arch beneath the shoe where no one sees, and the part where the leather upper meets the sole.

When in later years Dad worked as a commissionaire and wore a uniform with brass buttons, I remember him using a flat strip of plastic with openings for the buttons, and that slid beneath them to protect the cloth of the jacket, and polishing these to a bright shine. He always took pride in these things as well as good posture and manners.

There were strains showing in Mum and Dad's relationship. When I cried, which I did a lot to begin with, he thought she should just let me cry. Her instinct was to comfort and she felt torn and conflicted when he was impatient with her for following her heart. He was drinking regularly. Partly this was a cultural norm in England and the army, but also a growing physical dependancy. Maybe it dulled the pain of the distant past and the more recent trauma of the battlefield. It certainly helped him feel more at ease with people, but it was also to exact a heavy price.

Still, with Dad's discharge from the army in 1952, a new life was about to begin in the civilian world. The small family moved to another isolated cottage on the outskirts of the village of Romsley in Worcestershire. It was not too far from Hagley, where Dad had grown up and he found work on Lord Cobham's estate as a woodsman in the Clent Hills.

Mum was lonely, homesick and missing her family, whom she had not seen for 3 years. They took in a lodger to help with expenses, but still, there was not much money. From that time in 1952, I remember the song Wonderful Copenhagen by Danny Kaye playing on the radio. Something about the tune captures the poignancy of those years in Romsley. And in July of 1952 another baby was on the way.



Sunday, July 12, 2009

Nothing for the Journey

Mark 6:8-9 (New International Version)
8 These were his instructions: "Take nothing for the journey except a staff—no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. 9Wear sandals but not an extra tunic.

These words reminded me of the total dependance on God that must be my life from this point on if I am truly to LIVE. I choose this and no other way. I take nothing else for the journey but my Saviour--my staff--on whom I lean.

I make no other provision but him. He must be my only hope and source of sustenance.

Luke 10:38-42 (New International Version)
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but only one thing is needed.
Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Take nothing for the journey

Only one thing is needed

Mary has chosen what is better

I choose with Mary: Him...

Saturday, July 11, 2009

The Inner Maze of Waiting

We sat on the porch, musing about our coming empty nest, brainstorming about things for my husband to do as I set about building a new career and pursue some well established new directions. Yet even I am finding this waiting stage strange. I am excited about new possibilities, grieving things and ways of living left behind, and absorbed in helping release my two emerging butterflies from their chrysalids. Two weeks ago they were my sparrows, now they are my butterflies, in some ways still struggling to break free of the confining boundaries of their cocoon/chrysalids. These daughters are starting out on the big road of life in a new bigger way. Yet my husband and I are also working through these stages of transformation ourselves.

I love the butterfly/transformation message so much that I wrote a whole thesis about it for my Master of Religious Education twenty five years ago. It is indeed a universal symbol, not just for Christians, but something deeply embedded and understood in the human psyche. It doesn't take much for us to love a butterfly symbol for tattoos or jewellery, lawn stakes or placemats, clothing or wall plaques....we feel that little rush of delight in its beauty, its joy and message, that it really is possible to become new, to undergo complete transformation.

Sue Monk Kidd, in her book, When the Heart Waits, expressed it this way:

I found myself staring at the chrysalis, at this lump of brown silence. It overwhelmed me with its simple truth. A creature can separate from an old way of existence, enter a time of metamorphosis, and emerge to a new level of being. ..In that moment it struck me clearly that the waiting process actually has three distinct phases that need to be maneuvered: separation, transformation, and emergence. I knew that I had come upon the inner maze of waiting.


Probably the biggest lesson I am learning in this inner maze is to rest and trust, to not need to know the way out of the maze, for me or for my dear ones. I have come as far as I have in this particular transformation because I learned to wait and let things develop naturally. However much I chafed at the slowness of that process, in hindsight of course I saw how each stage was so necessary.

Yes, God does indeed "make all things new". That is His delight. However, it doesn't mean that he does it instantly, like a magician. He takes the time He needs, the time we need, whether we think we do or not.

And He brings His wonderful law of spiritual ecology into full force during that slow process:

Romans 8:28.
" And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I remind myself, as I write these words, of God's continuous message to us all, His wonderful, terrible declaration:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
Isaiah 55: 8-10

God is in charge. He has His way of bringing about His plans in our lives, which interweaves with our own longings and desires. While we wait in the inner maze, He works mysteriously, using natural processes but according to His ways and thoughts. Like the caterpillar who enters a chrysalid, we surrender to death to our ways and enter the maze of waiting, and if we wait patiently enough, in His time we emerge into the transformation needed, and wonderfully possible, in whatever phase of our lives we are.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Mercy and Grace - A little and a lot.

I've had a number of speeding tickets. They don't seem to have the desired effect on me, which is to influence me to slow down. With every one I have said, "This time I'm going to change," but admittedly, it never seems to last. Until recently...

I shared a previous experience in court on this blog about a year ago. I fought a ticket which needed to be fought - and at the end of my day in court (most of it spent waiting), the prosecutor said to the judge, "We are withdrawing the charges, Your Worship," then turned and pointed in my direction before adding, "And we're going to hire her."

It was a very cool experience - one in which God had taught me much about facing intimidation and relying on Him to be my protection and for Him to be my strength in any given situation where I might feel overpowered and/or outnumbered.

So when I got the next ticket - last September - I was facing court again, but this time without a shred of fear. I deserved this ticket, and though I chose not to fight it, I did decide to go to court in order to see if I would be offered a reduction in the charges. It wasn't the fine for exceeding the speed limit by 30 kilometres an hour that motivated me to do so, but the fact that I would be losing four points off my licence, quite possibly followed by a huge increase in insurance premiums.

I arrived at the court house a few minutes early, but was chagrined to realize that I had no money on me for parking. I left my car at a pay-and-park anyway, knowing I would probably have to pay a higher premium for the space that morning - in the form of a parking ticket. I rushed into the court house and ran around finding Court Room # 1, only to realize I was in the wrong courthouse. I quickly got directions, was reoriented and ran down the street to the right building this time. I was 15 minutes late. Arghhhh!

I passed all the other poor souls who had already gone through the process and were seated on pew-like benches facing the front and waiting for the proceedings to begin. I approached the prosecutor who peered at me over horn-rimmed reading glasses and said, "Yes..?"

I gave him my name and waited while he went through a long list of violators until he found me - second last on the list.

"Susan Stewart. Ah, here you are." He pointed to my name on the page and I followed his finger across to silently read the charges against me while he stated them out loud. "I see you are charged with 30 over the limit. That's a fine of $210 and 4 points off your licence." He looked up at me over those imposing glasses and paused.

What could I say? I held my breath, hoping for mercy, but knowing it was so ill-deserved that I didn't even bother to pray.

"How about changing that to "disobey sign"? The penalty for that is 2 points off your licence and the fine will be set at $100. Are you willing to accept that?" He stared down at his page, waiting, it seemed, for me to find fault with his offer.

But I nearly jumped out of my skin. I put my hand over my heart in a bit of a dramatic flair and said, "Sir, I gladly and gratefully accept."

His serious and officious expression was suddenly transformed into a smile. He looked around at the other court officials who were nearby and listening in to our exchange. "On second thought, let's make that $80," he said to my utter delight. "We'll bring it down just because you're being so nice about it." He put a stroke through the $100 he had written and wrote 80 in its place.

"You're the first one to be nice to me today." He continued in a way that was obviously meant to make the court officials around him smile. They did. Apparently I was sharing my day in court with bunch of people who were not as happy with the outcome of their talk with the prosecutor as I was. I felt fantastic on many levels.

"Thankyou!" was all I could splutter out. I gratefully went to take my seat and wait for the judge to enter the courtroom while I finally allowed myself to pray, "Lord, please help this to go fast enough to keep my car from being towed away. I got back to my car to find that I would be charged $16 for parking that morning - $12 if I made an early payment within 15 working days of receiving the ticket.

I marveled, as I drove home later (under the speed limit, I might add!) at the kindness and the mercy I received and how good it felt to be in that position. They should have thrown the book thrown at me. It's not like it was my first offence. All the evidence was there and the citing officer was in the court ready to testify. They could have nailed me to the wall.

I felt, in the midst of this experience, in some small measure, the mercy and the grace of our God. It felt pretty good, but doesn't compare with what is in store for me one day in His courtroom...

"And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—" Ephesians 2:6-8 NIV

"...I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness." Jeremiah 31:3 NIV

"...but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," declares the LORD. Jeremiah 29:4