Sunday, June 15, 2014

Tears

It is just over two years since Mum died. I loved her so much that I used to anticipate that inevitable day with anxiety, thinking that I would surely fall apart.

But when the time came, I didn't fall apart. I was raw and emotional in the time leading up to her funeral, but I felt so much gratitude for her life that it seemed almost inappropriate to weep for more.

It seemed as though one day she was in England, and the next in heaven, and in both she seemed equally close.

But I wondered about not weeping for her, as though not doing so dishonoured her somehow, and I felt I needed it for me, too--it just didn't happen.

My friend Adele Simmons led us in morning worship both mornings this weekend at the writers' conference I attended. These times are special--gathered together with other writers in God's presence. It always feels like a time of re-commissioning and consecration. But I hadn't expected to weep for Mum.

Adele spoke about missing someone in our lives. It could be a person we've lost, or it might be God, but she asked us to close our eyes and let the words of the song she would sing to us, speak to our hearts.

I closed my eyes, and Adele, with her lovely voice, accompanied by the acoustic guitar she played, sang the evocative Eva Cassidy song, I Know You by Heart. 

To the beautiful words of Eva's song, hot tears rolled down my cheeks, for Mum.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this, Belinda. So meaningful to me. Your label for this piece is "Mourning Mom". From now on, you can say "Good Mourning Mom."

Adele said...

I meant to add my name, but clicked the wrong button. It's Adele here...

Belinda Burston said...

Oh Adele, yes! You made me smile! You have a gift for evoking emotion. :)

Leslie said...

I too,"anticipate that inevitable day with anxiety." But, when those anxious thoughts come, it prompts me to pray. The song reminds me of the great blessing of all those God has put in our lives and allowed us to know by heart. Just beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Music is so powerful. It evokes memories. I'm glad you had the opportunity to wash your heart with your tear. Thanks for sharing. (It is hard to believe that it has been two years!)

Belinda Burston said...

Dear Leslie, I hope that my experience encourages you that the reality is often so much different to the anticipation--in a good way. I'm glad you loved the song.

Belinda Burston said...

Anonymous, I love that--"wash your heart with your tear." It felt like that --such a perfect description. Tears are a gift sometimes.

liebjabberings said...

I'm glad that you found your way, and in such special company.

I pray awkwardly for my mother: she's still here, but dementia has robbed us of so much of her, and she lives in Mexico, where I can't even see her except when I go (I have CFS - it's very hard to travel).

I don't know what to pray for, so I leave it up to God, where it belongs anyway.

Alicia

Belinda Burston said...

Alicia, losing huge parts of someone to dementia is a road I haven't traveled, although Mum did, with her mother, going through so much pain. I can only imagine how hard that would be...

Cindy said...

Grief is an odd thing - you go along just fine then suddenly WHAM - it hits you and all you want to do is dissolve in tears. I am glad you have had that opportunity to do in good company (rather than driving down the highway at 110 - don't ask how I know!) and at time when you could give in to the grief and let it wash over you.

Belinda Burston said...

Cindy, yes, grief has it's own unpredictable course. When it flows it is healing. Much as I don't want people I love to be devastated when I die, I think that even that thought shows an underlying discomfort with the natural thing to do when you love someone! :)They should feel free to cry if they want to!

Janet Sketchley said...

We go to writing conferences and yes, we do learn about writing and make writerly connections, but it's often the personal things that impact us the most. Worship time at Write Canada is a safe place for the Lord to do something like this, Belinda. I'm glad He did :)

Ann Brent said...

Thank you for sharing this Belinda. It was truly a holy moment and very precious to remember that time this morning. So wonderful to see you, worship with you, smile and laugh together. Blessings to you.

Belinda Burston said...

Dear Janet, the worship times at Write! Canada are so precious to me. They form an almost unbroken string from my first in 2000, to 2014--my well worn Daily Light containing a record of how God has spoken to me over those years. The God ordained call to write is the foundation of all else! He can work with the raw material we give him. :)

Belinda Burston said...

Ann, your smile lights up the conference. It says "welcome" to all of us! :)