It is just over two years since Mum died. I loved her so much that I used to anticipate that inevitable day with anxiety, thinking that I would surely fall apart.
But when the time came, I didn't fall apart. I was raw and emotional in the time leading up to her funeral, but I felt so much gratitude for her life that it seemed almost inappropriate to weep for more.
It seemed as though one day she was in England, and the next in heaven, and in both she seemed equally close.
But I wondered about not weeping for her, as though not doing so dishonoured her somehow, and I felt I needed it for me, too--it just didn't happen.
My friend Adele Simmons led us in morning worship both mornings this weekend at the writers' conference I attended. These times are special--gathered together with other writers in God's presence. It always feels like a time of re-commissioning and consecration. But I hadn't expected to weep for Mum.
Adele spoke about missing someone in our lives. It could be a person we've lost, or it might be God, but she asked us to close our eyes and let the words of the song she would sing to us, speak to our hearts.
I closed my eyes, and Adele, with her lovely voice, accompanied by the acoustic guitar she played, sang the evocative Eva Cassidy song, I Know You by Heart.
To the beautiful words of Eva's song, hot tears rolled down my cheeks, for Mum.